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Abby shares with us today a little peek into what is going on in her family. Although it is not birth related, we can clearly see the relationship between her confession and our own painful experiences, even in labor. If you’d like to see updates on Abby’s family, you can join an update group here.
It is time.
We know it’s coming, but he is still oblivious. As we prepare the supplies he begins to discover the time has come yet again.
Pain is imminent. Fear is rising and the tears begin to stream. “No mommy! Please no!”
We try to reassure him that he can trust us. We tell him that this pain is for his good, but he just doesn’t understand.
We try to reason with him. Reminding him that it will go more easily and smoothly if he just allows us to do what we need to do, for his good.
He fights. He cries even harder and runs from us as if we can just stop. We love him too much to just stop.
We must do this. It pains us just as it does him, but placing this feeding tube into his nose is not an option for us, or for him. He needs this tube to grow.
We know that, and regardless of how many times we tell him, he doesn’t believe us. All he can see is the pain, the fear and worry.
Just as he dreads this part of every week, we dread it as well. We don’t want to do it. We don’t want to hold our sweet boy down with all of our body weight while he thrashes and screams to be freed.
We don’t like seeing him scream, struggle and gag as the tube goes down. We take no pleasure in the blood that sometimes runs out of his nose.
He looks up at us, wondering why the two people who are supposed to love him and protect him are hurting him right now. He trusted us, why are we hurting him?
Do we do this because we don’t love him? Oh heavens, no! We love him so very much, and this is why we put him through this.
And when the last piece of tape has been placed and the tube is secure, we scoop him up, tears and all, and comfort him. We remind him of our love for him and we cry with him.
You never want to see your own child in pain, but when you know that that pain will bring good, you do it. You have to, or it wouldn’t be loving.
I can think through so many painful times in my life and I remember feeling similarly to my boy.
Why God? Why does it have to be this way, it is just TOO painful! Why are you doing it like this? Don’t you love me? You tell me you do all things for my good, but this doesn’t feel good, this doesn’t feel right. I am scared, and I want to run from You who is supposed to protect me. The fear and worry consume me as I fight this situation. I want it to go a different way. Surely there has to be a better way God?!
It is easy to fear, to feel alone during painful times. It is easy to question, to fight. We don’t understand; we can’t see the bigger picture!
God works for His glory and for our ultimate good, not for our comfort or our happiness. He works for our good! He promises us that we can trust Him, that He IS faithful, even when it doesn’t feel like it! He loves us so deeply. Sometimes we don’t feel or understand that love, but that doesn’t change the truth that He does indeed love us so very much.
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This was painful to read but beautiful. I love you!